Writers come in a variety of shapes and sizes. This guide is designed to help you identify them and their habbits. If you see any of them please approach with caution; chocolate and caffeine are usually good distractions to allow safe passage.
First we have the cafe writer; these are very closely linked to attention seekers.
Cafe writer -
These are probably the easiest to identify and the first thing which comes to mind when someone mentions a writer. Their preferred territory is that of coffee houses. They place themselves at a table which is visible from the majority of the shop; and furiously scribble away on their notepad or type on their laptop while drinking a few gallons of coffee. There is a strong chance they’re writing their shopping list but their goal is to draw in unsuspecting prey. Do Not approach – unless you wish to be berated and scalded, before they drag you down into the murky depths of false writers and wannabes.
Attention seekers -
Contrary to popular belief these don’t just come in teenage forms, there are many much older writers who failed to evolve from this state. Attention seekers use a wide range of lures to drag people into their little world. They’re drawn to writing poetry but shouldn’t be confused with poets. You will most likely hear their sobs and screams before you see them, as they claim that the entire world is against them and no-one bothers to look at their work. Some more mature and experienced writers have been known to try and aid these creatures. Unfortunately they lost limbs when they attempted to give constructive criticism and help them to improve their craft.
Poets are a curious and interesting species – they have evolved an entirely different view on the world from the rest of humanity. You’re most likely to find a poet in some obscure place out in nature muttering about metaphors and meter. Prose writers should be aware that although stepping into the world of the poet is a magical experience – it will soon turn into an addiction. Where as before a tree was a tree it will transform into a solidified life-force fighting for it’s place in the sky. You don’t need drugs people; just a little of what those poets are having! Oh wait..
Weekend warriors -
This particular species act and appear to be normal folk until the stroke of 5pm on a Friday evening. Once their day job comes to an end for the week the transformation begins! Notebooks spring from hidden places, and they become glued to the computer as they get down the ideas streaming from their minds at a frightening pace. It is best not to go near the sacred space of these critters until 9am Monday morning when they return to normal.
Serious author -
A dark and devious bunch. They have been known to hoarde secret stashes of note-books and pens. They can sneak off away from work to scribble down ideas on anything closely resembling paper. Be wary around them, anything you say or do could well be taken and placed into a story or poem! Although they’re rarely away from their computers or notebooks, when on their research expeditions no-one is safe!
The paranoid –
These are absolutely determined that everyone is out to steal their fantastic ideas. The majority of their time is spent argueing with people about copyright and claiming theft of their work, as they try to find fresh and new ways to protect their precious. It’s best to avoid these completely at all costs. If you were to mention the existance of another blonde haired blue eyed woman, you would find yourself suffering a lawsuit for theft of one of their characters! ….You have been warned.
A rather sad and pathetic bunch. They live in an alternate world where by they are the most gifted and wonderful writers ever born to this Earth. As such they believe it is their duty to cut down and criticise anyone, and everyone who dares also attempt to write. Unfortunately; they’re usually lacking in any form of talent or intellect – just walk away. You can’t fight them; they’ll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!
The Author –
The holy-grail within the writers. These are those who have ‘made it’. They are often considered in a god-like manner amongst other writers. Don’t be suprised to see them turning lead to gold and walking on water!
Where there is any sign of aclaim there will always be groupies. Writing is no different. These are small collections of writers who stalk fellow writers, often authors which they admire. They hope desperately that by following them, and being within some sort of close proximity - the fame and talent will rub off on them. Do not speak badly of their chosen idol around them – they think nothing of fighting to the death.
These are writers who lack imagination; and believe that copying fellow writers ( particularly the classics) will make them good writers too. They often feel they’re the leading expert on their chosen range from which they copy. They’re best given a wide berth – throw a collection of classics at them and run!
Undercover writer –
Potentially the most dangerous of the lot! These creatures camoflage themselves so as to appear like normal people. They could be your next door neighbour, your teacher, your milkman.. Keep your eyes peeled for any mistakes and slip-ups, have you ever heard them mumbling under their breath about main characters or iambic pentameter? Beware! You can never be too sure!
Flash Writers -
A curious form of writer who produce a huge number of books with remarkably short chapters (often no longer than 50 words). They have a tendency to write the same story with different names – each book being along the lines of a young teenage couple breaking up before getting back together again. Technicalities such as grammar are thrown out of the window – as they don’t need such ‘restrictions’ for their masterpieces. They’re quite often found with flocks of baby groupies who gush over their ‘books’. Each flock of baby groupies usually being formed of fellow flash writers.
Prose writers -
These can be truly scary if you dare mention the unspeakable concept – that their characters aren’t in fact real. Not only are the characters and world real to these writers; but they are waging war upon their poor writer. They’re quite often found wearing wigs after having torn their hair out, over the on going debate whether to be to the point and keep the flow – or risk the flow and add in some description. Don’t even get them started on dialogue, and the fights they’ve had with their characters over the plot and outlines!
The genres -
These funny little folk will be found anywhere linked to sex. Did you see that mousy little woman tucked up the corner of your local fetish club last weekend? The one peering around before writing down things on a pink notepad? Yes! She’s one of them! What about the time you thought you saw the curtains twitch last time you made love to your sweetheart? Don’t think they’re below looking through people’s bedroom window. If there’s sex there they won’t be far away!
A dark and gory breed. They’re most likely to be found deep in dungeons, or bullying a geneticist for the latest progress towards forming super zombies. Forever on the hunt for the biggest, scariest thing ever known to man – they will stop at nothing. They’re often on the look out for fresh victims to try out new torture methods, and scary new ways to kill normal people. Don’t follow the trail of chocolates… it is a trap!
Fantasy writers live in their own little world. They’re not such a threat to people as they don’t frequent this plane of existance very often. They far prefer their own created universe to this one. Wear armour when trying to approach these folk, and brush up on your elvish!
Often surrounded by chirping birds and random floating hearts, these are harmless. They walk around with rose-tinted glasses and see the beauty in everything. If you’re having a bad day sitting near one of these airy romantics may cheer you up.
Most likely to be found trying to figure out how to form a nanobot army, or graft a cyborg limb onto themselves. Look out for new and unusual strains of aliens, randomly appearing black-holes and don’t believe them if they say it’ll feel like a pin-prick! They’re like horror writers, and always looking for new victims to experiment on. If you like yourself in a human body – then I strongly suggest you steer clear.